When we think about love, we are often told to think about romantic, let me stare into your eyes at the Eiffel Tower moments. He showed up for me every day so I could focus on showing up for myself and getting better. He drove me wherever I needed to go, including my graduate program and a completely unnecessary appointment to get a lash lift. He did his best to put my pants on me despite my huge bruises and healing wounds. He stood in the shower with me and handed me soap while I sat on a stool and tried to clean myself without falling over. Instead, he simply stepped up to the plate like we’ve all been told a partner can and should do. This was all made easier by the fact that he never got mad, or even annoyed, at my reliance on him. I needed John so desperately that I couldn’t overthink if I was “asking for too much” or being a nuisance. One of the advantages to being completely helpless is that you have no choice but to accept help. The answers to those questions ended up being yes, yes and sort-of but only in a good way. Could John handle what was about to be asked of him? Could I handle the vulnerability of requiring him to be my full-time caretaker? Would this experience shift our relationship dynamic in a permanent, and perhaps adverse, way? When it was time for them to return home, I felt a flood of panic. For the first week, my parents flew out from New York so they could help and my mom, a veteran of many knee surgeries herself, initially took on the most intimate of care tasks. I was in excruciating pain and could barely move without wanting to scream.
I also suffered two more subluxations that ultimately led to my decision to get the surgery so my patella would finally stay in place. The first time we met in person after a month of long-distance, virtual dating, I had recently dislocated my knee and was wearing a knee brace and using a cane. To be fair, it’s not like I hadn’t had knee problems from the start. What I wasn’t used to-yet–was being physically vulnerable. By the time we moved in together, I felt like I could be completely emotionally vulnerable with him. He never made me hide my feelings or feel shame over my OCD or mental health struggles. It was a strange thing to fall in love with someone new while still actively grieving and healing over someone else. Over the previous year, we had managed to forge a strong bond despite meeting only a few months after my ex had unceremoniously ended our engagement.
Before the surgery, I felt close to John.
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